On the experience of raising children in the Church.

[This was written for the community of believers at Holy Trinity Orthodox Church in Santa Fe, NM by its pastor.]

“Our hearts live in darkness, in the shell of self-love, of egotism, and finally whatever one does, he does from the content of self-love, of egotism, from love for himself - and thus everything is a mess. Because in the final analysis, the moment you scold a child or you take care of him, you talk in a way that suits your own self.

With this way of thinking, if your own self doesn't die, if it is not killed, we will live in darkness and become blind, and won't be able to see or either understand or take the stance that we need to take with relation to ourselves and others - and especially not in relation to children. If this thing doesn't die, we are not on the road of salvation, and accordingly we cannot lead children - much as it depends on us - on the road of salvation.”

- Elder Symeon Kragiopoulos

Raising children is hard. I suppose we could stop there. But really. It’s a difficult task. Children have to be taught everything. Really. Everything. I’ve had to teach my kids how to: eat, sleep, breathe, use a toilet, how to interact with other people, and the list goes on.

And the devil’s in the details. One cannot simply hand a child a toothbrush and toothpaste and say, “Ok, go brush your teeth.” I’ve had to teach them how much toothpaste is too much and how much is too little. I’ve had to teach them the action of brushing. “No, you can’t just suck on the toothbrush.”

Raising children is hard. We have to teach them everything including how to be in a church. This adds a degree difficulty for parents who have decided to raise their children in a community of faith regardless of religion. Because there are many other ways to spend a Sunday like sipping coffee in pajamas, watching the game, going to the park, or getting brunch. The choice for church is not an easy one.

I believe raising children in the Orthodox Church adds even another degree of difficulty for parents. We believe the Liturgy and our worship space is for everyone. It’s the ark within which we, like Noah, bring our entire family. And so we intentionally don’t offer a separate time or space of worship for our children.

There’s even another level of challenge raising children in the Orthodox Church. Our little church building, like many in the U.S., is on the smaller side. You can stand just about anywhere and see everyone.

Raising children is hard. Raising children in church is harder. Raising children in the Orthodox Church is even harder. And if you’re not among those blessed to be a member of a colossal cathedral, then you’re stuck in a small room.

We have to teach children everything. My wife and I have determined that a goal for our children is to learn to be in the church, and in the Liturgy, as much as possible. This means we have to teach them the finer details of how to be reverent; how to return to their spot in the church again and again; how to stand for longer than usual; how to sit still; and how to be quiet. And as I’m sure you know, it isn’t always pretty.

I know. I too have been on the receiving end of noisy children who are having a hard time. I’ve dealt with that ear piercing scream that a child can give when they’re having a hard time, when they’ve had enough. I confess to you, I too have visibly cringed when that happens.

Children have a hard time for all sorts of reasons. They get tired, or hungry, or their tummy hurts, or they’re grumpy at a sibling or mom and dad. Maybe they’re just simply at the end of their lesser ability to cope. Or maybe there’s no discernible reason at all.

We have to teach children everything. Parents even have to help children learn how to cope with having a hard time. So when a child is having a hard time, a parent might decide they need a break and choose to take them out of the service to regroup. At our church, like many smaller Orthodox churches, this leaves the parents with two choices. They can post up near the back door in order to secure a quick get away. Or, they can parent in the midst of the congregation and choose to do The Walk of Shame.

Ah yes. The Walk of Shame. The parent takes the child, turns around and faces everyone in the room, and like Moses parting the Red Sea, traverses the seemingly endless trek through the crowd and through the back door. And along the way, the parent and the child both are subject to the following from the other adults in the room: critical glances (aka “dirty looks”), deep sighs of frustration, “tisk tisks”, perturbed body language like crossed arms, and of course the the judgmental eye rolls. My personal favorite, when someone literally plugged their ears at my wife who was trying to get out with our screaming son. I didn’t know the action of ear plugging could be done at someone until that happened.

And God forbid someone say something to the parent. Someone, across from the coffee hour food table, once said to me about our small children, “Wow, your children are really loud. You need to do something about that.”

Lord, have mercy.

Maybe you read those things and thought something like, “Oh I’m glad I’ve never done anything like that.” Or, “I’m glad our parish doesn’t do any of that.” Well, the truth is I’ve experienced this at every parish I’ve ever been to. Our parish is not uniquely bad at it. We struggle with it just as much as every other parish.

And I understand it’s not easy to endure that child who is having a hard time. It’s loud. It’s alarming. And there is something innate, almost instinctive in everyone, that is meant to react to a screaming child. It could mean the child is just having a hard time. Or, it could indicate something serious, something dangerous, or scary. So take heart. It means you’re human. But, we have to work to rise above our most primal responses.

The other side to needing to teach children everything, is that children learn something from everything they observe. And so every time a parent has to endure that Walk of Shame, the adults around them are communicating something to the child too, teaching them something. Every single time. Multiple times each service. At least one or two services a week if not more. This equates to 100’s of times a year that a child is on the receiving end of the dirty looks, the frustrated sighs, and the eye rolls. The child that is absorbing everything and learning from every minute detail. What do we suppose that child learns from all this? The answer is simple:

“When I’m having a hard time, grownups don’t want me here.”

Let’s sit with that for a minute.

The opposite is also true but just as dangerous. We love when children are sweet, and cute, and most of all, compliant. When they’re like this, we give them smiling approving glances, because it makes us feel good about them. And in doing so, we teach them the flip side to that awful reality:

“When I’m good, grownups want me here.”

And thankfully, the infant on the receiving end of all this eventually learns to cope with having a hard time. But by then, it’s possible they’ve endured that Walk of Shame 10’s of 1000’s of times. By then, it risks becoming an ingrained truth: “When I’m good, grownups want me in the church. When I’m having a hard time, grownups don’t want me in the church.” And that small child grows into a teenager. And the hard times only get harder. And they stop coming to church.

I’m certain that every adult in every Orthodox parish across the U.S. would declare, not only their acceptance and desire for there to be children in the Church but, their unconditional love for those children. But unconditional love takes work. It’s an active decision.

And so, to all the adults out there worshiping alongside our little ones, please hear this. We have to be more self aware of the way we respond to children in our churches both those having a hard time and those being cute and compliant. We cannot allow our children to learn that message: “When I’m good, grownups want me in the church. When I’m having a hard time, grownups don’t want me in the church.” We have to do the work of unconditional love. We want our children to learn that good times or bad, whether coping well or having a hard time, no matter what… No. Matter. What… they belong in the Church.

If you think there’s a chance you’ve been guilty of communicating this type of criticism to a child or their parents, it’s not too late to course correct. Raising children in the Church is hard. And both parents and the children need all the help they can get. So let’s begin today to be watchful of how we’re responding to the child who is having a hard time in our churches. Their salvation could depend on it.